The Fantasy Fallacy (a 50 Shades of Grey response) by Shannon Ethridge

This is a pretty unique book. Based partly on the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon but mostly on a prophetic picture Shannon Ethridge received, it’s a review of what sexual fantasy is, what it does, and whether it is (or can be) good or bad.

First things first. Although the front cover of this book claims it to be ‘A response to the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon’, it definitely isn’t. If you’re looking for something that takes the series and essentially concludes on whether to read it or not, you won’t find that here; Ethridge clearly dislikes it but doesn’t go so far as to say ‘don’t read it’, and barely talks about it (there’s probably no more than a couple of pages on it in the entire book).

So that’s misleading, but the book isn’t really about that. It’s about the fact that almost everyone has sexual fantasies, and what we should do with them. She’s careful not to be judgmental yet at the same time not to ‘allow’ it, and I think does a reasonably good job of talking about something that the Church simply doesn’t talk about. She’s particularly strong on understanding why we have particular fantasies, how we ought to respond to them, and how they can be redeemed for the good of our marriages and for the glory of God. I thought the chapter on pornography was one of the strongest I’ve read.

That said, I didn’t love this book. In her desire to not be too left-wing or right-wing I found her at times to sit on the fence and simply not communicate; at one point she seems to suggest that someone who fantasizes about violently raping a child should tone down the fantasy by increasing the age of the child and by imagining that the child enjoys it rather than getting pleasure from another’s pain. To a certain extent I can see where she’s going (one step at a time seeing our fantasies becoming those of us loving our spouse better) but I felt that she stopped short of saying that clearly enough, which left me thinking a reader could justify their fantasies. I also felt that she wasn’t as strong as I’d hoped when talking about fantasies regarding incest or homosexuality.

If you’re really squeamish or are feeling offended by some of the content of this review, this book probably isn’t for you. At points the book goes into perhaps a touch too much detail which is appropriate within the context but to my mind would restrict this book to married couples.

Overall, if you want a good, honest, biblical look at sexual fantasy you can’t really go wrong with this one. It wasn’t outstanding so I’d normally go for four stars but the fact that the Shades books were barely mentioned and the minor frustrations I had with it I’m having to go three stars this time.

I got this book for free from BookSneeze.com. I’m not required to give a positive review.

What I’ve learnt about fathers and sons

George and Barbara Bush with their first born child George W. Bush, while Bush was a student at Yale (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My son’s coming up to four months old, and parenthood’s teaching me quite a lot. Expect more posts to appear over time, but I thought I ought to start somewhere.

Fatherhood’s definitely different to what I thought it would be – it’s nowhere near as complicated (actually, right now, it’s pretty straightforward) but it’s way harder.

One particular thing that struck me immediately as different was the fact that I didn’t cry when he was born. Having talked to lots of dads, and having watched One Born Every Minute, I was convinced that I’d be a babbling wreck when he arrived. As it turned out I was far too tired to respond like that, and thank goodness I’d watched One Born because having a purple son would have freaked me out otherwise.

In fact, the whole concept of immediately feeling overwhelming love towards my son had almost set the bar so high that I was never going to experience it. Where people have said before that your feelings for your kids teach you about God’s heart for you has turned out to be a bit of a let-down so far if I’m honest. When he’s older and sets fire to my car in anger and I still forgive him, maybe then I’ll get it a bit better.

But something struck me that I never knew would.

The Father was willing to sacrifice his son for me.

I think perhaps I’m learning after all.

Is God mean or loving?

Image via Wikipedia

I can remember studying Christianity in my RE class at school, and being told that the God presented in the Old Testament is this mean, judgmental God of fire and brimstone, but that He must have gone on holiday for a couple of hundred years and apparently came back a changed, more left-wing God for the New Testament. Old Testament = Mean God, New Testament = Tolerant God.

And the first Christians I properly got into conversations with tended to confirm this – I was pointed to Jesus’ words that the Old Testament teaching of ‘an eye for an eye’ was being replaced by ‘love your enemies’. It was only last week that a friend of mine told me that ‘God learned to love’.

Well done everyone.

No, sorry, I just don’t buy it. In the opening chapters of the Bible Adam and Eve just completely lose it and disobey God, then lie about it and blame one another. The God of Wrath we’ve been told about doesn’t fly off the handle, he prepares clothes for them. A couple of chapters later we see that the entire population of the world was caught in an orgy of sin and evil but that God poured out undeserved grace on Noah’s family to preserve humanity in the face of the coming floods.

This theme of grace is repeated throughout every story in the Old Testament – it would seem that the God of Wrath is some fictional character rather than the actual Christian God. No wonder Dawkins hates him so much, he doesn’t sound very nice at all but thankfully is a figment of our imagination.

But I don’t think that the idea I was given of the God of Tolerance is much closer to the truth either! In the New Testament we see Ananias and Sapphira killed on the spot for lying about how much money they gave to the church, and Jesus seems to have something about casting out unfaithful servants to places of darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth…so the God who simply accepts everyone as they are seems to be a fictional character too.

Is it possible that God is actually completely holy, righteous and just, and can’t bear sin in His presence or among His people so promises to punish sinners for stepping even ever-so-slightly off the mark, yet would sort the whole problem of sin out in one action through the grace-fuelled punishment of his only Son as a substitute sin-bearer and redeemer for anyone who believes? Well, that doesn’t sound like either of the false gods presented in my RE class.

But He sounds a whole lot better in every way.

Serve yourself

Image via Wikipedia

The other day I passed a charity building which had this claim in the front window:

WE SERVE OTHERS, NOT OURSELVES.

Apart from the arrogant and judgmental tone I instantly thought, ‘Well, of course you do serve others, but that sign certainly isn’t there for them is it?’

Based solely on that sign it would appear that the people working for that charity do so primarily as a way to make themselves feel good for having served others not themselves…which is a bit contradictory, don’t you think? They serve others in order to serve themselves!

But that got me thinking about love. If a husband said ‘I make my wife happy, not myself’ that sounds very noble, but ultimately doesn’t work because of the way relationships function; a husband really makes his wife happy to make his life easier.

Think about it like this; if Anna were in hospital and I went to visit her she might say, ‘Oh Sam it’s so nice to see you!’ and I might reply, ‘Well, you know I didn’t really want to but I love you, so here I am.’ She probably wouldn’t feel very loved at that moment. But if I’d said ‘I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day!’ she’d probably feel far better about it.

So in order to love and serve others best, it actually works itself out if we do it in order to serve ourselves. Strange but true.

Man enough to love a real woman

Image via Wikipedia

I think my journey of meeting and getting to know Anna, making an absolute fool of myself, then marrying her was more a story of my impatience and impulsiveness than any genuine humility, but I enjoyed and agree with the sentiment behind this article about dating.

Here are a couple of snippets:

I was like a lot of single, Christian guys. I just wanted to follow God’s will in finding a wife — that’s all — oh yeah, and I also wanted a modest version of the Cosmo girl. And, well, I didn’t want her to be too needy. Oh, and she also needed to be smart — really smart — but not, like, so smart that she made me feel stupid. And, of course, she needed to be spiritually mature (you know, like me). And one more thing: I wanted her to have a cool and fun personality (whatever that meant).

…I met my wife at a party on Capitol Hill. Unlike before, I didn’t think, I’ll consider taking that girl out. I thought, I wonder if she would go out with me. I cautiously introduced myself, and as we talked, I found myself focusing on her qualities, rather than mentally trying to ferret out her deficiencies.

I’d recommend the whole thing.

This Is Your Brain In Love by Dr. Earl Henslin

This book is unlike any other I’ve read. Dr. Earl Henslin looks at five love ‘styles’ based on the ways our brains are wired, enabling a couple to identify their style and respond appropriately.

I like the idea of the book. Henslin clearly knows what he’s talking about, and the practical advice for how to act as, and react to, each of the styles is useful. He even gets down to the sort of diet you should be developing to best complement your love style, and there are tests throughout the book designed to help you identify what yours is.

That said, I think the target audience for this book is small. The language is at times complicated, and it certainly contains a lot of information. He seemed to go on a lot about ADD and ADHD which I found quite distracting. My biggest issue with the book, however, was that it read a bit too much like an advertisement for my liking! Dr. Henslin clearly thinks that having a professional brain scan is the right way to go to help with your marriage so recommends having a SPECT scan with the Amen clinic. I’m sure that would be a good idea, but the budget required for that is not insignificant.

Overall, I’d recommend this book to intellectual readers who would like to learn a bit more about how their brain operates. I’m not sure this will be my go-to book for marital issues however.

I got this book for free from BookSneeze.com. I’m not required to give a positive review.

The Shelter of God's Promises by Sheila Walsh (audio)

There are some books which are just so filled with grace that they remind you how it felt to have just been born again: this is one of those books. By looking at ten of God’s promises, Sheila Walsh digs deep into the overwhelming love and protection that God has for us.

Walsh picks apart every point, addressing every question that might come up. The book is not massively intellectual and is one of those books that you can simply listen to while doing something else. I particularly admired the way she references the original Greek text to pull out meanings that are not instantly apparent in the English Bible text, without making you feel uneducated. Perhaps on one or two occasions I wasn’t sure this added much, but on the whole I’d encourage this to Christians, especially ladies and especially those who have experienced tough times.

Each point is thoroughly Bible-based, and makes great use of stories – at times I felt myself wanting to both laugh and cry, and it’s not often that you find a book like that. What’s particularly good about this audio version is that it’s narrated by Sheila Walsh herself – if you can get past the American/Scottish accent, this really adds that personal, genuine touch.

I got this audiobook for free from christianaudio.com. I’m not required to give a positive review.

Immanuel's Veins by Ted Dekker

This is a fictional story about a man’s adventures in love, royalty, religion, and vampires.

Ted Decker can really tell a story. He pulls you in, and somehow manages to convey the emotions of his characters as you’re reading – his descriptions of the vampires really make you feel very uncomfortable.

But almost for that reason I’m not sure I like the book. I’m not convinced that reading this story will bless its readers, because some of it is just a bit too creepy. The gospel is in there but the text seems to discourage the church’s role and get distracted by people working for their own salvation.

In terms of storytelling quality this gets a ‘yes’ from me, but if you want a modern Narnia, this isn’t it!

I got this book for free from Booksneeze.com. I’m not required to give a positive review.

Scandalous by D.A. Carson (audio)

This short book addresses five key Bible passages, meditating on the most scandalous aspects of Jesus’ death and resurrection.

Don Carson’s writing is clear, easy-to-understand and easy-to-follow, and fundamentally biblical. The themes he picks up are controversial because they are so orthodox, but there’s nothing old-fashioned or boring here.

There’s probably relatively little in here which will be brand new to the more spiritually mature Christian, but there’s certainly not nothing, and the depth to which Carson goes is outstanding.

For that reason I’d recommend this book to absolutely any Christian out there. If you’ve never collapsed in awe of God’s mercy and power displayed on the cross, this book would be as good a place to start as any.

The audio version I listened to was enjoyable and clear. Thoroughly recommended.

I got this audiobook for free from christianaudio.com. I’m not required to give a positive review.

The King of Fools

Title of a Delirious song and album from the 90s? Yes. But originally the title’s taken from the climax of a Medieval New Year celebration called the Feast of Fools.

The idea behind the Feast was for everyone in the town to get ridiculously drunk over twelve nights. They’d sing songs together, hold mock church services (in which you’d respond ‘hee-haw’ rather than ‘amen’), and cheer a young girl riding through the town on the back of a donkey, babe in arms. When she arrives in the town centre, the town would nominate the most hideously ugly person to be ‘the King of Fools’.

In The Hunchback of Notre Dame we’re introduced to Quasimodo, and we see that he is blessed to wear that crown. He’s embarrassed, but as the outsider he is he’s quite honoured by the attention and the cheering crowds.

This is what it’s like to be human. We’re all so desperate to be part of the ‘in’ crowd, or simply part of any crowd, that we accept it even when it’s fake. We can’t tell the difference most of the time. We put so much effort into education, career, sports teams, hobbies, and all manner of other pursuits, but at the end of the day it’s Satan who sarcastically cheers us on, all the while mocking us for our folly.

But…

But there is one who genuinely accepts us. There is one who joyfully welcomes the outsider, honours us with a crown and cheers us on, but this is no mockery.

Jesus reached to the unclean in society like the lepers, the lady caught in adultery, and the bleeding lady. Jesus reached to the unloved in society like the tax collectors and the Samaritans, and freely welcomes us all.

How great is our God.